Bad news

During the years I lived in Oxford, OH, I learned from my friends and coworkers to wait until the 12th week of pregnancy to tell every one if you were expecting. At first I thought that was because it took some time to get used to the idea of having a child, get over the fright or excessive excitement the big news brought to the couple and become ready to tell the world you were going to be parents.
Well, the truth is that until the 12th week unexplained many things can happen to the embryo that could cause miscarriage. After that, it is more likely the embryo's development will follow its course into a normal pregnancy. Most people don't know that up to 1 in each 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Some  women may bleed 2 weeks after missing a period and think that was just a late period, but it could be a miscarriage.
About 2 years ago, when I was expecting my first child and had recently moved back home, I followed what I had learned from my friends and waited until close to 12 weeks to tell everyone about it. It felt safe, and it was the right thing to do. I got yelled at by some Brazilian friends for waiting so long to tell, I guess they were not used to this concept. Here, many women publicly announce their pregnancy as soon as the pharmacy test shows positive, ignoring the risk of having to tell "hundreds" of people that they have bad news.
A few weeks ago I got over excited about the big news: I was pregnant. I had morning sickness, felt sleepy and very hungry, exactly like I felt during the first few weeks of my previous pregnancy. I was scared I would have a newborn baby when my son would be just under 2 years of age. But that was what I planned: having my kids close in age so they would grow together, play together and be close friends.
So I acted like a good Brazilian: told lots of people as soon as I found out. I made plans and arrangements for our family. I bought a new nursing bra. I did a 6 week ultra sound and heard the heart beat. I thought, if I heard the heart beat, it is going to be fine. And after the morning sickness and the sleepiness were gone I felt terrific.
When the time came for the 12th week, I was scared. I feared the exam would show some sort of developmental problem with the baby. I was on vacation that week, away from home and from my husband. I had to go to the clinic by myself. As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the machine, we didn't see the image of the baby. Something was wrong. He said he had to do another test to see with more detail. And gave me the bad news: there was no heart activity, the baby was dead. I had to hold the tears. Alone, at the doctor's office... terrified. I asked a couple of questions. As soon as I walked out the door, I couldn't hold the tears anymore. I sat in the car and cried. I called someone close to me and told her. She told me to meet her somewhere. I cried some more, until I was calm enough to drive. I met my friend and as she hugged me she told me she knew how it felt.... she had lost an unborn child as well. That was horrible, but it was incredibly comforting to know someone else had gone through that too. It seemed possible to handle it.
I thanked God so much I already have a baby to hug, hold and care for. That makes it a lot more manageable. I have no idea why all this happened. I am not sure how to mourn for someone I never met. But if this ever happens to you or someone you love, know that you are not alone and it happens much more often than we are willing to tell.